Breathe. Seriously, just take a minute and recognize that the very next breath you take wouldn’t be possible without the Lord himself holding you together. Take a moment and recognize how incredibly eternally unique and loved you are for Him to breathe His life into you and call you His friend. For this moment in time, forget about loving and exhale the very breath of God. That in itself will settle some of your angst. Yes, you’re absolutely in union with your loving, extravagant Creator! There is no separation. Ever. You’ve listed all of the criteria of a life lived in union with God and are striving to work it out. Your best efforts aren’t working and they were never meant to. This is all going to sync together. I promise. You might feel like the only person in the world who isn’t hearing from the Lord, and experiencing His presence, but you couldn’t exist without His presence….and He’s always talking. The Lord hasn’t planted all of this in you for any of it to come back void. And by “all of this in you” I mean Jesus. Love is a person and He is the only one who can love.
When we’re feeling hopeless, it’s because we’re defining our God by our circumstances. When Jesus said “Fear not” he meant for us to define our circumstances by our GOOD God! You are not a failure at anything! You’re more than a conqueror. You’re so complete that you’re already resting at the finish line. We’re short sighted but He’s not. Take your eyes off of what you see (or don’t see) in your flesh and open your spiritual eyes…no matter what your feeling like. He’s got you. One of the biggest lies I’ve encountered from the enemy is that whatever negative situation I’m in will never change. You’ve got the Holy Spirit indwelling your “house”. You are not a body with a tiny spirit, you’re a SPIRIT housed in a body. You’ve read and listened to so much and I think you could really benefit from a walk in nature. Ask the Lord to quiet all of the teachings of man and to tell you what He thinks about you. He’ll tell you and it’ll be good. It’ll be gold and nobody can take that away from you.
The good news is your not broken…just short sighted. We all are in different times in our lives, in different areas. We all need encouragement to remember who and Whose we are. I pray peace is flooding your entire being as you read this hope. Hope, in God’s economy isn’t like the world’s hope. His HOPE is a confident expectation of (experiential) good to come. His HOPE doesn’t disappoint. Play in the rain. Swing. Let yourself off the hook of expectation and breathe.