You are not alone, my friend. At different times in life, all of humanity has “bad thoughts” and wonders about the Goodness of God in all of it. I want you to know that those thoughts don’t define you. I had a friend who was being devoured by such thoughts and he began to speak to them, saying “These are not my thoughts.” (because they aren’t) That, in itself, took away the condemnation of having them. They also stopped. When the condemnation is broken the power is destroyed. Even in the midst of having them you can embrace them and boldly say “Father, thank you for loving me perfectly in this moment. Even when I can’t see my worth and my feelings betray me, You are unchangeable and I am created in Your image. I am filled with your Glory and You’ve placed me in this time and space as a love letter for all humanity, for all eternity. Lord, the only reason I am breathing is because You’ve placed Your breath in me. Thank you for renewing my mind to unfiltered truth. You are not sleeping or unaware of who and where I am. Cause me to see, all the more, my perfection in You.” Amen
You weren’t born defective. When the Lord created you He lost His breath with wonder. Wonder at the Glory of creation in you. You’ve never lost that identity. All of humanity has been in a major identity crisis, but we’re coming out…one by one. We were never worthless. We’ve always belonged. It’s so much easier to have great hope for others, than for ourselves. So, until the dawn shines in your own heart, believe my witness of your holiness. It isn’t based on what your feeling or thinking. You’re perfectly loved…just as you are.