I can understand your feelings of separation. I, too, have been in great desperation in my understanding of my walk with the Lord. You are not alone in this human blindness, my friend.
Your frustration is founded in what religion has defined ministry. We were taught that missionaries in other countries were top notch on the Christian pole, followed by anyone “serving” the Lord full time. Laymen, sitting in a pew on Sundays, were only serving if they were street witnessing or purely loving their neighbor, spouse and kids. This lie has many precious saints in places they’d rather not be…led there by guilt and condemnation. Then, if they don’t produce the fruit the (never satisfied) religious belly deems worthy…their self worth plummets and they “feel” like the Lord is frowning (along with the hierarchy of man’s religious rite). How can we then feel like we’re still in union with a loving Creator?
The truth is He has no expectations of you…not because He doesn’t think you can measure up to His requirements…but because, just as Abraham slept through the covenant God cut with Himself in Christ, your miraculously created being brings Him exceedingly great joy simply by breathing! For years you’ve found your worth in what you’re doing for Him. Your ministry. You’re coming to understand who you are in Christ and that amazing person is so joined to the Lord that you never cease praying. Every thought in your head, every sigh through your lips and every tear that stains your face are embraced by and through Him in perfect timing with you. There is no separation. You ARE ONE BEING. Perfect. Holy. Righteous. Blameless. If you never said another thing about Jesus He would still behold you with awe and wonder…dancing over you with joy. You are free to just be, and as you relax into that truth you’ll fall in love with yourself as you are…not by what your doing. Your identity is eternally secure from His perspective. Your worth has never been in question from His perspective. He truly knows the plans He has for you and you are not forgotten. You’ll look back on these years as a time that the Lord was setting you free from works…into a glorious friendship with Him.
You’re defining yourself and your God by your circumstances. When Jesus said “Fear Not” he meant for you to define your circumstances by your amazing, loving, patient, peaceful, eternally loyal God. He’s closer than a brother because your very breath is His breath. Breathe. Notice Him. That will bring the great hope you’ve forgotten. His great HOPE….confident expectation of experiential GOOD to come! You’re not a failure or broken….just short sighted. Take a deep breath and believe, if only for this moment, that this time of desperation will not last forever. He is for you and you are so incredibly loved. Right now. He hasn’t forgotten you. I guarantee it.
In my times of desperation, though I felt confused and lost in the middle, on the other side (when my 20/20 vision could look back) I stood amazed at the loving care He provided for me through it all. I wouldn’t trade any of it because it was a catalyst into an adventure with Him that I couldn’t have dreamed was coming.
You, too, will stand in awe. We all need each other, to remind us of how amazing we are and how short sighted we can become.
I pray this stirs up a confident hope in you and allows you to rest in this moment with Him. Your ministry isn’t working up conversations with people to feel accepted by Him. What He knows to be true about you trumps anything you believe about yourself. Your ministry will be called Life from now on…and it will be an overflow of your great joy in Him. Rest in this truth. Soak in it.
Shalom, my friend. I look forward to hearing of your great adventures through resting in being His eternal pleasure.